If you're anything like me, you love a good reality tv show.
I grew up on shows like Four Weddings, Say Yes To The Dress, The Bachelor and of course the Real Housewives franchise. And one show that had its inception in 2014 here in the States has had me hooked year after year: Married At First Sight.
I don't know what it is about watching total strangers agree to marry each other and seeing them go through the trials and tribulations of a relationship without even knowing each other, but it's just so intriguing.
Watching them justify having sex with a total stranger because "Well...we're married now!" always gives me a good chuckle. And listening to them argue about regular couple squabbles after mere weeks, is entertaining.
Normally, this show is just a fun, weird experience for everyone involved. Including the viewer. But this season, there is something much more insidious going on.
The season has its usual group of couples. Some who are thriving, and some who are struggling to make it work. But the true issue this season lies with a couple who seem to be a perfectly disastrous match of a narcissist and someone with tragically low self-esteem.
Enter: Chris and Paige.
I knew this couple would struggle when the groom, Chris, announced to her friends AT THE WEDDING, that he didn't find Paige attractive and he didn't consider her the "trophy wife" type he normally goes for. In other words, he doesn't find her to be facially pretty.
He did however go on and on and on about her physique, her behind, and how great of a body she has to his father and uncles, while they all chuckled in agreement. It was disgusting to watch.
Paige mentioned several times during the wedding that she felt like there was a lack of connection between the two of them and she could tell that he wasn't very interested in getting to know her as a person.
I've been there girl.
Needless to say, I was not surprised when their honeymoon went further south than anyone could've expected.
It was during their first week of marriage, on the honeymoon, when Chris found out that he was expecting a child with his ex-fiancé. Yeah.
Now, I've never been in this position and to be honest I have absolutely NO clue how I would respond. So I'm not here to judge Paige. Rather, I'm here to give a little lesson in self-esteem and why it's so important. Not only for your own protection and mental health, but to be able to spot narcissistic people from a mile away.
Throughout the process, Chris has repeatedly told Paige he isn't attracted to her. Yet they'd had unprotected sex nearly every night from the night they were married, on the honeymoon and even through the realization that his ex was with child.
Paige justifies all of this through saying it's God's plan and that God is writing her story. She truly seems to believe that God has placed her with this man who has belittled and embarrassed her several times on national television, and because of that, she continues to stay.
I'm not here to judge anyone's belief system, and I'm no fundamentalist, but here is where God's plan and free-will get confused.
But that's a blog post for another day.
After a week of being on an emotional roller coaster, and Chris saying that he's attracted to Paige spiritually, (which was complete nonsense by the way) CHRIS finally decided that HE wanted to try to make things work with his ex. And he asked Paige for a divorce. I'm using all caps here because I wanted to emphasize the fact that even with all the disrespect, the abuse, and the sexual exploitation, it was still NOT Paige who decided that she needed to remove herself from the situation. It was him.
If you read my break-up story a few months ago, you know that I experienced something similar. Not to this extreme, thank God, but still, I experienced being with someone who gave me glimmers of hope only to rip them away. And who was still in love with someone else, but was trying to convince themselves to make it work with me.
I didn't have high enough self-esteem at the time to walk away and truly feel good about myself, and neither does Paige (so far).
I would have never allowed myself to be bread-crummed and led on for years if I had known just how truly valuable I was. I would've been able to see through the false promises and the manipulative tendencies, to really get to the truth.
Chris tells Paige he doesn't find her attractive, but then tells her he's attracted to her spiritually. He tells her he will put her first as his wife, and then says he wants to make things work with his ex. He tells her he wants a divorce, and then whispers in her ear that he's afraid of falling in love with her.
He is a mass manipulator and she's falling for every bit of it.
As the viewer, we can clearly see what's going on. We see how he's abusing her in ways she can't even recognize and we're yelling at her through the tv to open her eyes!
So why doesn't she see it?
Well, it goes back to that Perks of Being A Wallflower quote that always rings true:
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
Paige is a beautiful woman. She's showcases femininity in so many beautiful ways. Her bright smile, her calm demeanor, and her desire to be a wife are just some of her incredible qualities.
She's also smart, she owns a home and is financially savvy. And even with all of the negativity surrounding her husband, she seems to truly adopt the "stand by your man" mentality, saying she feels honored to have been matched with him. She is an amazing catch for any man. And yet, here she is, accepting less than the bare minimum, because she doesn't see herself in the way she should.
On the opposing side, Chris has showcased a lack of self control when it comes to his temper and how he speaks to women. He has cursed and yelled at some of the other women on the show. He has belittled his wife. He has used her for her body, and hasn't attempted to get to know her intellectually. He's financially successful, but has allowed his success to define him and go to his head. He also showcases poor judgement and lack of maturity in that, instead of taking the time to heal from his breakup with his former fiancé, he decided to jump into a marriage with a complete stranger, mere weeks later.
(From my perspective, these are actually two people with incredibly low self-esteem. But for the sake of this blog post, we'll focus on Paige and the female lens.)
So how can we raise our self esteem, and avoid getting into these situations to begin with?
1. We believe in our intrinsic value.
I'm not sure why, but it is so difficult for many of us to just accept that we have value, and that we deserve good things in life. Our value begins at the moment we are brought onto this Earth, and have the opportunity to experience it and be a part of it. We are a piece of what makes the world beautiful, without us, the world would be different. In even the smallest of ways. And that is so powerful.
When we think of our value, we must think of it as the value that we bring to the world. Because each of us brings something so unique, which makes the world go round. Even if you think it's something small, I promise you, it's not.
If you're the friend who makes everyone laugh in your friend group. Or the person who sits quietly in the back of the class, but stays late to spend time with the teacher. Or if you're the daughter who always calls to check up on your parents. Whatever it is, without you, a piece of our beautiful world doesn't exist. And you must remember that.
2. We build our identity capital.
It's been a hot minute since I've talked about identity capital! But as per the usual, it's applicable. For those of you who are new around here, I've been talking about the idea behind Identity Capital for the last year. It's an idea that was first started in the book that changed my life, The Defining Decade. (So many of you have said that you got the book and it changed your life too and I'm happy to hear it!)
Identity capital is basically a compilation of all the things that make you, you. Daughter, writer, Teacher, wife, singer, etc. The idea is that the more we pour into our identity capital, the better sense of self we ultimately have.
“Identity capital is our collection of personal assets. It is the repertoire of individual resources that we assemble over time. These are the investments we make in ourselves, the things we do well enough, or long enough, that they become a part of who we are. Some identity capital goes on a résumé, such as degrees, jobs, test scores, and clubs. Other identity capital is more personal, such as how we speak, where we are from, how we solve problems, how we look. Identity capital is how we build ourselves—bit by bit, over time.”- Meg Jay.
So if you are a Kindergarten Teacher, and you love what you do, you then spend time pouring into that. Learning how you can become a better teacher and create a wonderful experience for your students.
Identity capital is what you do to invest in yourself.
When we build our identity capital, we have a clear sense of self. We know who we are and where we're going. Of course, life isn't perfect and things will change, but we are confident enough to go through the changes, because we've invested the time and effort into knowing who we are.
3. We listen to our instinct.
For someone who is so convinced that God is writing her story, Paige certainly says, "I'm so confused" a lot. My mom always told me that confusion comes from the enemy. And that God is a God of order.
Paige knows this situation is completely wrong, and that it feels wrong in her spirit. But she is ignoring her instinct for the sake of saving face.
I've done a few videos on intuition and how important it is to follow your feminine intuition because it will save you from situations you don't need to be in. Any time you have that nagging voice in the back of your head telling you something is wrong, or that pit in your stomach, you need to follow it.
As I said in this video, our intuition is a combination of our past experiences and current physical cues. So it's not something made up. It's what we know has happened before, combined with what is currently happening. Our body then gives us the cue through physical sensations, and that is our intuition.
We have it for a reason: protection. And if we don't use it, we're doing ourselves a disservice.
The more we listen to our intuition, which is never wrong, the more confident we become at making decisions. We enter into a healthy cycle of listening to our gut and ultimately finding out we were right. This cycle builds our self-esteem so much, that we don't feel the need to get validation externally, because we've created a healthy relationship with our body, mind and spirit.
(That got very woooo very quick lol)
I truly hope the best for Paige, and I hope that when she watches this back, she realizes that she might have some work to do. We ALL have work to do. The journey to loving yourself fully and completely is not a fast one.
But hopefully, she gets there sooner rather than later.
I hope you enjoyed this post! Are you watching Married At First Sight this season? Comment below your thoughts on this whole situation!
xo,
F.
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