In June of 2022, I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids. I didn't know what that meant at the time. Only that my mother had them when she was my age, my grandmother had them and all of my aunts and cousins had them as well. It wasn't mentioned to me that this was anything to be largely concerned about, nor was I given many options around how to deal with or heal them. My naturopath encouraged me to start a specific supplement regimen and change a few aspects of my diet and lifestyle, but at the time, I really didn't see the need.
Aside from just knowing they were there, I didn't have any symptoms. My periods weren't great, but they never had been. I wasn't experiencing any pain or bloating at the time and as far as I was concerned, it was a non- issue.
But they continued to grow. And grow. And grow. At at the time of writing this, they're quite a bit larger than they were when I was initially made aware of their existence. With their growth has come a variety of symptoms. Mostly excessive bloating, as they grow, multiply and stretch out my uterus.
There's a never-ending internal debate I have of whether I should go the Western route and have the typical myomectomy surgery that everyone does. Or if I should try to heal my body holistically, which is not a simple or easy journey to embark on.
But recently, I've been diving deeper into my understanding womanhood. Connecting with my maternal ancestors and doing my best to tap into their wisdom. Constantly asking them for peace and healing. And as I've been on this journey, meditating and reflecting on how I got here, there's one thing I keep coming back to. And that's the fact that; soft girl femininity didn't heal my body.
At the time that I was initially diagnosed, soft girl energy was all the rage. It was everywhere. Videos and TikToks and think pieces were made all about being in your soft feminine energy and what that meant and looked like.
It was a lot of advice around being more gentle, slowing down, being more vulnerable, and avoiding conflict. Staying away from people and things that agitate or anger you. Some of the more superficial advice was to speak more softly, dress with softer materials like silks and linens, and stop watching reality tv shows.
I even made a few videos like this, and at the time, I thought that was it. I thought that was all I had to do in order to be in my feminine and feel great! Until something came along that was completely out of my control. Something as mentally taxing, scary and draining as a chronic health issue.
Over the last few years I've come to realize that, sometimes, being a soft feminine woman isn't enough. Because the truth is, femininity and your womanhood as a whole, isn't always soft.
Sometimes womanhood is rough, gritty and terrifying. It's infertility, it's PCOS, it's fibroids. It's things you can't control. It's fears and mother wounds, trauma and darkness that even you can't figure out how to access. It's sitting with the grief after a loved one dies and accepting the deep unknowns of life.
What I'm trying to say is, you can't face mask your way to healing. Or at least that's not the only thing you can do.
Being truly in your feminine, I've learned, is sitting in the darkness. Being with the pain and the fear and confusion. It's begging your womb to heal, crying out to your ancestors for help.
I know this all sounds very dramatic. And I'm not saying that femininity can't also be light and fun and whimsical because of course it can. But can we go a little deeper? Can we go beyond the fun fluff and really tap into what it means to be woman.
The struggles, the pain, the joys, the euphoria and everything in between?
Don't get me wrong, I still have a skincare routine, and I enjoy a weekly face mask. But I'm also embarking on journey within myself. One that makes me feel empowered, strong and connected. One where I can say that I overcame something so uniquely and inherently woman. And instead of coming out feeling defeated, I came out on the other side, victorious.
A Journey of the Heroine. A Journey of the Self.
My practices recently have included:
Candlelit rose baths, with photos of my grandmothers perched on the countertops. Listening to this deeply healing playlist on Spotify. Holding my womb, crying, praying and swaying back and forth.
Weekly acupuncture with my amazing acupuncturist that I happened to find because her office is directly across from my flower shop (serendipity!). She has been an amazing healer and guide and I've only embarked on this journey because of her.
Writing my thoughts. Mostly on my phone's notes app or on my private tumblr page. When I feel discouraged, when I feel sad or depressed, I let my thoughts flow out of me like a river. Unphased by what comes out- focused only on release.
Shifting my focus to wholesome foods that make me feel good. There are so many ideas about how to eat when you have hormonal imbalance. But I've found that going back to basics and eating foods that make me feel good and whole is the strongest course of action.
Rubbing frankincense on my abdomen twice a day. After reading that frankincense is a helpful herb in the journey with uterine fibroids, I ran to my local apothecary and purchased some. The scent is so grounding and connecting. I love feeling like I'm doing something to help my body, even if it's something small.
Yoga. Returning to some of my favorite yoga videos on YouTube reminds me of how I used to feel and how I can feel again. It gives me just 10 minutes a day where I feel so much gratitude for being able to move in my own body. Even if it sometimes feels like my body is working against me.
The Soundfood Podcast has been another go to for me. It's so healing to hear women speaking to other women about their struggles, wins and everything in between. About topics that are deeply feminine.
These practices have felt so healing. And it's only the beginning. I don't know where this journey ends for me. Maybe it ends in a hysterectomy as it did for my mother, my grandmother and so many other women in my family. Or maybe I am the heroine of my bloodline. Maybe I end the cycle of dis-ease in the body.
Whatever happens, I'm so grateful that this journey found its way to me. That the various modalities of healing made their way into my world, and so graciously opened their arms to me. To be a student of the earth and a student of my body has allowed me to see my own womanhood and femininity in a much more substantial way.
Will I miss the era of my life where I had no worries at all and my femininity was relegated to pretty dresses and great hair and makeup? Maybe some days. But what it's been replaced with - this rich, nourishing, sensual and connected version of womanhood is a million times better.